Tony Robbins UPW review & reflection:

Would people rather be happy or outraged?

According to studies, a majority of people would rather be outraged, than happy.

-Tony Robbins

Do you notice patterns with some people who almost always post things to be outraged about? And then people who engage, comment, etc, tend to also want to feel outraged subconsciously so they feed off each other’s outrage. It’s because they want to feel those emotions, so they seek it out. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as having an outlet to express your feelings is healthy. “If you feel emotions you want to feel, even if they’re unpleasant, then you’re better off” – Dr Maya Tamir from The Hebrew University of Jerusalem.

Someone who is unhappy or angry will look for things to be unhappy or angry about and use them as an outlet.

However, those who get caught up in negativity keep themselves in a low vibrational state and will only attract others in that same vibration. So how do we choose happiness if we are angry? Or outraged? Or anxious? Or depressed?

We need to find where the root of these feelings are. Even though something in the present may trigger those feelings, they usually have a root that they stem from and one must go to the root, face it, process it, and go through the proper healing to free themselves of those wounds and be rid of the triggers that keep us in the low vibrational state that can ruin our lives.

As a woman of intensive therapy, and having battled anxiety, depression, and insomnia a majority of my life, I have found based on my studies that you can’t think or talk yourself out of an emotional state. That would be gaslighting yourself which turns your negative emotions into a prison, where they stay locked up inside and destroy you (Dr. Nicole LePera). You can trick yourself into feeling better, but it’s only temporary and it’s only a matter of time before those same emotions find their way back to the surface when the right button is pushed (Tony Robbins is a prime example of this).

I have spent countless hours (especially the last 3 years) studying and reading books by doctors and pioneers in codependence, addiction, and trauma such as Pia Mellody, Dr. Gabor Mate, and Dr. Nicole LePera, who show through scientific case studies that anxiety, depression, insomnia, rage, addiction, and even physical ailments such as cancer, and auto-immune disease all stem from trauma (usually from our childhood). “Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside of you as a result of what happens to you.” “Trauma causes us to disconnect from ourselves because it is too painful to be ourselves” – Dr. Gabor Mate.

As a result, my life has evolved, morphed, and drastically changed over the last 3 years. I went from someone who used substances, and other addictions/distractions such as social media, politics, work, school, and even people to avoid facing myself. I didn’t know it at the time…I was completely oblivious. I thought I was normal…because you know what? I was. Studies show a majority of people have codependence problems to an extent due to our trauma ridden culture that has gotten progressively worse as it’s passed down through the generations. Some estimate that over 90% of the American population demonstrates codependent behavior based on studies by the US Army. But what does codependence mean?

According to pioneer, Pia Mellody, the 5 core symptoms are:

1) Having little to no self-esteem (not to be confused with confidence achieved by our success, wealth, and achievements as this is not true self-esteem. This is called “other esteem” which is based on external things that were accomplished, possessions owned, financial worth, looks, etc. Different than self-esteem, it can be lost at any time – fragile and undependable. –Dina Cohen, M.A.). This is often manifested in carried shame of their primary caregivers
2) Having severe boundary issues
3) Being unsure of their own reality
4) Unable to identify their wants and needs
5) Having difficulty with moderation

Someone who is in a perpetual state of codependence is in survival mode, which puts us in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze – thereby blocking authentic connection and intimacy and confusing it with “intensity” and “trauma bonding” with others instead (Pia Mellody).

So what does all of this have to do with Tony Robbins? I’m prefacing to show you the angle that I’m coming from and that my opinion is educated and not that of my own thoughts, but based on science and leading experts in the field.

I had heard of Tony Robbins a while ago as someone who is Christ-like and changes people lives. I had a couple friends who attended his immersions and I was curious.

My first impression of Tony was that he seemed arrogant and narcissistic, but then he started crying on stage while telling a story from his childhood, and there I was….sobbing in my seat.

He had a lot of great quotes, and spoke a lot of truth regarding the mind-body connection, and our ability to control our minds. However, he admitted to having rage problems…which was clearly evident by his intensity. It seemed to me that he more focused on motivational speaking and controlling the mind rather than going through the process of healing the inner child wounding (which takes time…years even). He is also a master at manipulating the crowd.

People leave (especially after day 1 of the fire walk) feeling like they are on top on the world. He does priming exercises like chanting, loud music with jumping and dancing, and cheering to keep your physiological state up – thereby effecting your mental and emotional state. It felt like a cult, but I was there, so I fully immersed myself. If this works, I wanted to make sure I did it right and to the best of by ability (despite it getting awkward) so that I could have no excuse for it not to have worked. I was all in.

Day 3, “Transformation Day”, was the most intense, in which he has you write down your biggest “limiting beliefs” and then he takes you through an intense meditation which makes you face those fears and live them out physiologically. I cried. I screamed. I played out fully for myself. Then he had us reverse it by changing our state and physical movements using our voice, bodies and repetition. He used music to build up and intensify the emotion.

Supposedly this “rewires your brain”. I have questions though. If it’s that easy, why aren’t all the biggest doctors, psychologists, and therapists doing it? Also, why do Tony Robbins “fans” keep going back? They spend a decent portion of time there trying to sell you on coming back and going to their other weekend immersions. If what he does works, people would not need to keep going back. Yet I met people who were there for their 3rd, 4th, 5th time….having spent thousands of dollars. Is this not a form of codependence in and of itself? When you make someone or something (other than God) your higher power, that is extreme codependence (also known as addiction) (Pia Mellody). No person should be dependent on ANYONE for lasting change. The best therapists get you to a place where you no longer need them. That’s when they did their job. Based on my education and research, you cannot simply rewire your brain and change your subconscious in 1 weekend, which is where those limiting beliefs are hidden. You can rewire your brain but it takes time….sometimes years of constant work. Sometimes people need advanced therapies such as EMDR, and Brain Spotting. It also takes having a self-care routine at home that you stick with.

Such a routine could look like this:

• 1 hour of exercise (3-5 days p/wk)
• 10 minute mindful meditation or deep breathing exercise (5 days p/wk)
• 30 minutes or 3 pages of reading a self-help/self-development book(5 days p/wk)
• Journaling (5 days p/wk)
• Prayer (if you are spiritual, daily)
• Do a self-soothing/self-care activity if you are feeling down like a hot bath (love bath bombs!), face mask, go for a walk, bike ride, paint, organize your closet, or do something that makes you feel good while/after doing it (avoid putting on the TV, Netflix, video games, etc, as this is an avoidance mechanism and counterproductive)

This doesn’t seem like a big deal, but trust me, actually DOING it makes a HUGE difference. The RIGHT therapy (if needed) and self-care WILL get you to a place of peace, stability, happiness, and functional healthy relational behavior with self, others, and God. We cannot have authentic connection with others or a spiritual connection with God when we are disconnected from ourselves (Pia Mellody). I am a testament to this. My life has changed and so have the people in it. It’s about doing the work, but people don’t want to hear that. They want quick fixes and instant gratification. A 4 day weekend immersion and I’m fixed!!!!

Reflecting now on my Tony Robbins experience, I don’t regret going. Tony Robbins will make you think, have self-realizations, and breakthroughs. He speaks mostly truth comparatively speaking with my studies. But if you are looking for healing and transformation, he can only take you so far. The rest takes time, effort, and consistent work on your part. I had a couple breakthrough moments and there were things I definitely needed to hear that I took back with me and am already working to incorporate into my life.

However with his focus on controlling your mind and body physiologically, thereby controlling your emotions, goes against all the leading experts. We must heal our wounds before we can have lasting healthy, stable thoughts, and behaviors. He is a great motivational speaker, but he comes from a place of wounding, not a place of recovery. I would likely not go again. I also did not agree with how he ended the immersion bringing an “Energy Worker” on stage to work with the crowd (see my video commentary on this that I posted on my FB wall and Instagram).